Learning to Fly, around the clouds

I have this little box as décor on my bathroom shelf. It’s a small white box, at the tops says “What if I fall?”, and has lots of gold, black, and pink birds flying at different levels. At the bottom, it says “Oh but darling, what if you Fly?”

As I reflect on the last 4 days since surgery; this speaks volumes on my feelings.

Day of surgery I’m ready, mind, body and soul. Two hours of hospital prep seemed to take forever-blood draws, IV’s, consent forms. Lots of nurses and doctors taking to me about what’s going to happen in a few short hours. (Last time I can run…I tell myself) But no, I can do this. This is my new start. My beginning again. Once all is prepped, my husband kissed me goodbye and said “I’m proud of you wifey, its gonna be OK”, and they wheeled me down the hallway into the surgical room. The anxiety sets in again, but thankfully a nurse gave me something for that. I drifted off into unconsciousness after that.

When I woke up in recovery, Dan was by my side. I remember being in A LOT of pain, and then about 20 minutes later feeling stoned. (LOL…at least that’s what Dan tells me I looked and sounded like, I kept promising him I wasn’t.)

 

The first two days post-surgery have been the toughest. I didn’t realize how scared I would be to eat and drink. I was so damned thirsty, but I wasn’t sure how my stomach was going to react. When your new stomach is only 4 oz., and its been stitched up on one side, and you are already in immense pain, the thought of puking only adds to the fear of a more intense pain. And I wanted to avoid that at all costs. Which is what made me start questioning myself…. Was this worth it? Because this hurt fucking BAD.

 

 

Whelp, there really aren’t any “take backsies” once 80% of your stomach is removed. So I told myself its gotta get better and put those regretful feelings aside. My nurses and Dr. said after a few days I will feel better. I did my best to make sure I was up walking around when I could and taking the pain meds. I ended up staying 2 nights in the hospital because of nausea. I had worked up the courage to eat some cream of wheat (ewww!), and I thought well, if I go overboard and eat too much (dumping syndrome), at least I’m at the right place.  But I didn’t.

What I’ve learned so far, being 4 days post-surgery, and the most important, is to listen to my body. It will tell me when I’m done, when I’ve taken to large of a sip of something, when I need to rest. I’ve also learned (and still learning) to listen to my husband (shhhh…don’t tell him I just put that in writing!  LOL) He has been a HUGE support, helping me rest, walk, and eat, AND taking our kids everywhere while I am recovering. I am very blessed to call Dan my husband. I honestly never thought someone could love me as much as he does.  it helps too that I have this cute little pupper, my Lucy dog, watching over me and making sure I am OK wherever I go.

I’m just getting started on this journey, I know. I’m learning how to fly again.

Sleeve Surgery Eve

Excited, Nervous, Scared, Hopeful……..

 All words and emotions I am experiencing the night before surgery.

•  And I doing the right thing? 
• Am I going to be able to sustain my weight loss?  
• Can I stick with the diet and be committed to myself and this process?

Then I remember the word BRAVE. I can do this. I know why I am doing this…for my life. I get back from my new tool what obesity is taking from me. 

So let’s talk about these words above…I’m going to start with the negative ones.  

Nervous: OMG he’s gonna cut into me (laparoscopically) and rip out my stomach! Cut it out and remove 80% of it. Holy Shit. That in of itself is a big deal. What if he gets in there and can’t do it because of my two little “cheat bites” I had the last 14 days. What if my liver isn’t small enough?    

Scared: What if I am in awful pain after surgery?

 Ok so those are the irrationals. (Have I mentioned I have anxiety? LOL) I needed to get them out of my system. I know it will be OK.  

Excited and Hopeful: hey so this is my new beginning, where the reset button is installed right? Maybe I should say reset sleeve. Ha ha!! Sounds weird but I am excited to NOT feel hunger. Although I have learned a lot these last two weeks regarding head hunger versus physical hunger. I have had to stop myself several times from wanting to grab a yummy treat just because I wanted it. It has been hard not to grab a candy bar on my way out of the grocery store, or stop by Dairy Queen and have “just one little” cheat with an ice cream cone or blizzard. But I didn’t give in to the craving. I told myself I have come this far, and I’m not going to let this craving ruin it. And I left the store without the candy bar, and without stopping at Dairy Queen. These are the daily battles I know I will have for a lifetime. However, there is some relief knowing I can allow myself a bite now and then.

 I’m gonna do this.  

YES…..I am doing the right thing.

YES…..I am going to sustain my weight loss

YES…..I can stick with the diet and be committed to myself and this process.

 As they say in the bariatric world….welcome to the losers bench!!

Here I go! 

Hangry all the time

It’s still not easy. But that’s OK.

Turns out the same day I started the liquid diet, I also came down with a virus. I had been running a low grade fever for 4 days. I couldn’t tell if this was from sugar/carb withdraw (Keto flu?) or if I was actually getting sick.  After 4 days, I called my Bariatric team and they said its probably a virus. Thankfully by day 5, the virus seemed to have run its course. Thank God!

Every day, I struggle with what to feed myself. Dr.’s orders say I am required to do this diet to shrink my liver to prep for surgery. What they don’t tell you is that you are actually prepping your mind for a lifetime change. A lifetime DONE with stuffing your face full of all the shit that makes our bodies sick and overweight, a lifetime of starting to make SMARTER choices that allow healthy, long lives. I keep telling  myself these things as I struggle.

It’s weird how the mind and body don’t mesh up when it comes to food. I’ve noticed as I’ve only been eating around 800-900 calories a day, I’m not physically hungry, but mentally, I’m fucking starving sometimes! And I know its just because I WANT IT!! Yes, the Hangry goddess makes her appearance most days after 3 pm.  But Hangry does not translate to physical hunger. Being hangry doesn’t mean I am truly hungry. Because I know that I’m not.

I’m aware.

And I am strong.

AND I GOT THIS!!

Seriously.

In the last 10 days, my only cheat has consisted of 2 bites….one was a bite of my daughters’ birthday cookie, which was the size of my pinky finger (with no frosting), and a small bite of cheese.

I’d say that’s pretty dang good.

 

Yesterday, I cried. Big, ugly tears:

I am blessed with a pretty awesome support group. Truly. (Love you Julie!!)

Today marks day 10!!! DAY 10!!!!

Oh..and did I mention I am down 10 lbs.? 😊

Today the hubby and I are without kids, so we are heading to Lincoln to find more protein drinks. (My favorite brand is Pure Protein, but I need more variety in my flavors) I am also going to buy spinach so I can eat that with my suppers the next few days. Seems more flavorful that plain ole lettuce.

I know this journey doesn’t end anytime soon, in fact I know this pre op diet is me just getting started. After surgery, and the one to 2 days of clear liquids, I can move on to full liquids. This includes sugar free pudding, and yogurt. I am actually excited for that part!!

I’m also excited for soft foods. I’ve been Pinteresting lots of receipts. I joined a group on Facebook today too called “Lazy Keto”, which has also been very helpful and makes me feel excited about my new life and new way of eating.

I’m trying to be positive in the midst of all this. I don’t want to lose sight of my long term goal of being a healthier, longer living me. I have to be strong and hopeful, I have to believe in ME and that I will be SUCCESSFUL!  Most of all, I have to LOVE ME thru this. One day, one hour, one meal, one protein shake at a time.

Crispy Crunchy Cravings & Liquid Love

As I write this, I have just started day 3.  This is the hardest thing I think I have ever done.

 DAY 1: all prepped and planned! I got this!! I packed my 3 shakes, my serving of fruit, and my cup of sugar free jello. Got my water bottle prepped and the Stopwatch on my Fitbit ready to help me not drink 30 min before, during, and after I have my delicious liquid meal. Out the door, GONNA KICK SOME LIQUID DIET ASS TODAY!!

Whelp, I walk in the door to work, and the smell of breakfast casseroles, biscuits and gravy, and other yummy stuff consume my senses. Ouch. Battle #1. I head to my cubicle and put my protein shakes in the fridge and start to cry. A very kind employee of mine gave me a hug and said its gonna be OK. (I told myself….hey…NO BIGGIE…I CAN DO THIS, EYE ON THE PRIZE) I scoped out where the food would be living for most of the day (break room), and did everything I could to avoid it. In fact, I was so angry about food day being on my liquid day #1 I ran up and down the stairs at work a few times. I had to let the anger out somehow, and I’m going to have to deal with this the rest of my life, so I better figure out alternatives to eating my emotions. Went home and supper consisted of 3 oz. grilled chicken, 2 cups of lettuce with light Italian dressing, half cup broccoli, and half cup mashed potatoes. By the end of day 1, I didn’t feel very well. Aches and pains for most of the night, and I was freezing cold. Damn, this must be sugar/carb withdraw. SUCK ASS!!! UGH.

 DAY 2: One day down 13 more to go. OMG feeling like shit this day, dizzy and lightheaded. And body aches. I went home sick at noon, after protein shake #2 for the day almost came back up. Took some Tylenol and a nap. That seemed to help. Oh and I made more sugar free jello, Cherry and Blue. It’s the little things, right?

 And as we begin day 3, my lovey period decided to pay a visit. Oh Joy.

 Everyone….this diet is hard AF!!! OMG…!

 However, I am doing my best not to be negative. I keep reminding myself that this is so I can get my tool, to help me eat healthier in the long run, so in turn, I can live a longer life. I am tired of walking around with plantar fasciitis and bad lower back pain. I want to see my kids graduate from high school, get married, and have lots of grand babies that I will get to spoil. I want to travel the world with the love of my life. I seriously LOVE my life, and I don’t want to lose it too early.

 These are the things that get me thru the tears.

 I cried yesterday because my husband brought home fried chicken from the grocery store, and I couldn’t eat any. I don’t even really like fried chicken, just the crispy stuff on the outside. I do miss crispy crunchy. In time though, I’ll find substitutes that will satisfy my “crispy crunchy” cravings. (That’s so fun to say! LOL)

 Day three I face the deliciousness of Eileen’s cookies. Maggie is having her friends over tonight for her 15^th birthday, and she wanted a cookie instead of a cake. I purchased one that was only big enough for her and friends, so there will be no leftovers.

Other positives…I have had friends and other readers either comment or message me regarding my bravery and strength through this journey!! THANK YOU! This means more than you know, and helps me get thru the rough patches.

 

My life with food choices and cravings is always gonna be a struggle for me. I know this. But I’m not going to let in consume me anymore. This girl has definitely hit the RESET button. 

Save the Date!!

My very own “Save the Date”!!

I can’t begin to describe all the emotions I felt in a brief 2 seconds when the doctor’s office called and said my surgery date was May 3^rd!! OMG…finally!! I wanted to jump for joy (because I’ve worked hard for so long to get this tool), cry from excitement, add in some nervousness and anxiety (because whoa…here comes that dreaded liquid diet for 2 weeks…) HOLY SHIT….3 weeks out!! (Now almost 2)

Deep Breath.

I got this.

My (almost) liquid diet starts this coming Thursday.  Food for a day looks like this:

Breakfast=Protein shake

Morning Snack: fruit (no seeds)

Lunch: Protein shake

Afternoon Snack: Protein Shake

Dinner: 3-4 oz of a lean protein (they said if it swims I can eat it! Ha ha!!) and a half cup of veggies

I am required to get at least 60 to 80 mg of protein each day. So the shakes should be at least 20 mg each. 

I can also have sugar free jello and sugar free popsicles!

 I’ve been thinking of ways I can make these 2 weeks survivable (and not turn into a raging bitch every time I see someone eating something yummy!)  I’m going to mix up the protein  drink flavors so I don’t get bored, buy lots of jello in lots of flavors, and remember the big picture…this is so I can get my tool!

Between now and Thursday, I am telling myself that it’s NOT OK to have a last few days binge fest on all things I LOVE to eat. I know that if I let myself go down that path I will take full advantage.   

Today I am going to have a last dessert. Lazlo’s makes this TO DIE FOR chocolate brownie with fudgy goodness topped with ice cream. I’m going to make my husband split it with me though.

And that’s how I’m gonna go out.

Is it funny to say I feel like I am breaking up with food? Well…the bad ones anyway. And it’s not like I can’t EVER have them, I can, but it will be one bite, and being OK with just one bite. 

Here’s what I am gaining, and can’t wait to have happen to me:

• being able to cross my legs
• wearing lingerie for the hubby and feeling sexy again
• shopping for clothes with my teenage daughter
• walking up a flight of stairs without feeling winded
• walking the dogs without my feet and back hurting
• sitting in a chair and being able to fit in it (with room on the sides!)
• seeing my va-jay-jay again
• wearing cute shoes!
• smaller boobs! (which means cute and pretty bra’s just because I can! And also means Victoria’s secret)
• having the “Big Ohhhh” again. (oh yeah, you know what I’m talking about! *blush*)

(seriously, being morbidly obese, my fat has stolen this from me  and I freaking  want it back!!)

 I’m sure there’s many more I will think of, but these are big reason’s in addition to scale victories that I can’t wait to accomplish. I am not going to let eating poorly steal them from me again. (EVER)

#BOOM

Courage.

It’s a hard one for me.

Courage to be OK with me and who I am.

Since I decided I wanted gastric sleeve surgery, I’ve really taken a step back, and feel as if I finally have the courage to stand up for me. The courage to not be ashamed of the fact that I have issues with food, that I am an “extra curvy” woman (as my hubby says), the courage to be selfish and say no…I’m starting over for me.

And no, I don’t have to eat anything you offer me.

No, I don’t have to participate in food days.

No, I don’t need diet coke. (almost 2 weeks off the stuff!)

No, I don’t have to feel like I am a 70-year-old woman at the age of 39.

No, I don’t have to apologize, or feel shameful about any decision I make for the good of me.

My therapist and I talked a lot last week about me being ashamed regarding having bariatric surgery. She told me its nothing to be ashamed of. She reminded me that it takes a lot of courage to face your demons. Not all obese people are willing to make sacrifices to better their health.

This is true for me.

Am I up for this?

Can I do it?

Am I ready to make a lifetime change?

YES. I AM READY FOR THIS. I HAVE THE COURGE TO CHANGE ME.

I used to be so afraid of my weight. Very self-conscience of others knowing the number that I thought defined me.

I think the last few months I have somewhat broken away from that…a little anyway. I told all of you my weight in my first blog. But I have yet to put my face with this blog, or my real name. I want to, but just not ready. I also want to put a pic of myself, head to toe on here, so I know, and remember how I am now, so I don’t go back there. But there’s still some shame in those things. I’m not there yet.

But not ashamed to tell you I got this. I’m making little changes; giving up diet coke and all things carbonated was a hard one. But I did it.

I have the courage to write and talk about it. And I have the courage to stand up for me, and say “Let’s hit the reset button”, no turning back.

The End….

I’ve  thought about my next blog posting for the last 3 weeks. As I think of the events that  have transpired, I avoided writing because I was afraid. Afraid of the feelings paired with things that have, or might  be at an end. And some of these “ends” have happened in the past, and come around again on their anniversary, and others unexpected.

I’ll start with my husband.

The end of February, he was in his work van driving on the highway, and a semi lost control of the vehicle, and hit him. The semi barely missed the front of his van; and instead banged up the side of the now totaled van, circled  him around the two lane highway, and ended with him out of work for the week with a mild concussion. If  he would have been hit head on, I can’t say he would be in very good shape.

I remember when he called me that morning at 9 am. He said “Wife, I was in an accident,and the ambulance is taking me to  the hospital”. Immediately my mind goes crazy…

“are you OK?” (of course not, he sounds weird and totally not himself!?!),

“Do you need me  to come to the hospital?” (of course he does? Why do I even say this? My hands are on my keys and I am halfway out the door  anyway!!)

As I am driving from one side of town to the other, all I can  think about is  the love of my life…does  he have internal injuries?  Is he OK? (as I kick  myself for the Grey’s Anatomy marathons I’ve watched recently, thinking the worst) I’m too young to lose my husband, God can’t take him from me yet.

When I finally get to the emergency room, it seemed to take forever to see  him, as I was bombarded with questions  about his phone number and address, all which seemed insignificant compared to the fear I had of his injury.

He was OK, Mild  concussion. Thank God.

Then there is my mom. March 14 (Pi day, of all days) was the anniversary of my moms death.  I miss her. I miss the memories I have with her in the early years growing  up, before age 10, when things weren’t so hectic and smeared with arguments from the teen years, annoyances from my early 20’s. It wasn’t all negative though.

I wouldn’t say my mom  and I were besties. We weren’t. But I did love and  care about her because she was mom. And towards the last few years of her life, a little voice inside told me once a week to call her-which I  did.  She asked about my family instead of  talking about the issues of my younger siblings the entire time. I think she finally accepted the fact that my choices (married a 2nd time without an annulment), and my happiness, didn’t have to agree with her beliefs and opinions, but she could still love me anyway. It felt comforting knowing that.

The End is hard.

The End.

It looks so final doesn’t it?

Two Words. Two words that leave you wondering, what’s next?

Happily ever after?

That’s what we’re led to believe anyway.

But it’s not happily ever after. Hmm…what would mine say….

Happily ever after, with lots of bumps in the road and character building, Fuck you’s and I love you’s? I hate you’s  and I’m sorry’s? And tears, lots of tears. Some happy, some  sad, dark, and alone. Some lonely. Some scared.

Thankfully, my husband is alive and well, it wasn’t his end. My mom saw her end but the end took her to a better place.

I think about my end. Not necessarily my end of  life, but my end with shit foods. My end with being morbidly obese.  I want it so badly.

I can see the end of obesity for me. First, I need to get the tool (sleeve surgery), to help with the weight loss. Wait…scratch that. Before I get my tool I gotta “pregame” and prep for the tool.

I am VERY close to giving up Diet Coke (and all things carbonated) for good. I started at 5 to 6, 12 oz cans a day, and am now down  to 1, 7.5 oz can a day. I am a little anxious about being 100% done with it, but today is the day. My last diet coke day.

I’ve been researching diets high in protein, and low in Carbs and Sugars (Keto? Clean eating?) This will be my way of living and eating once I am post sleeve. Trying to tackle that as well.

Goodbye Brownies. Chocolate. Ice Cream.  Chips. Candies.

(FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I HOPE I DON’T TURN INTO A RAGING BITCH!)

My end with crap  foods has to be my beginning. Beginning of new me. Sometimes I fantasize about new me. New me at 165 lbs.  New me being able to shop for clothes that aren’t in the plus size section. New me being at a weight where my husband can pick me up and throw me on the bed.  New me not having to take antidepressants. Being able to sit in a seat and not feel the fat on my thighs protruding thru the chair. New me being able to cross my legs when I sit. Being able to exersise. Not getting winded when climbing the stairs. Living long enough to see my daughter graduate from college, get married, and have babies.  I could go on.

There’s too many good reasons for me to say good bye to obesity.

I know it’s gonna be an uphill battle.

But if I can overcome diet coke addition, I can do this right? 

My end can be a new beginning. (So cliché yet truth!)

No matter how hard endings are.

“The End” for  me doesn’t have a period at the end. I think it has a “…….”, and all those dot, dot, dots for me are the bumps in the road and character building, Fuck you’s and I love you’s? I hate you’s  and I’m sorry’s? And tears, lots of tears. Some happy, some  sad, dark, and alone. Some lonely. Some scared.

But I got this.

My story isn’t over. It’s my new beginning.

 

 

 

 

I ain’t crazy folk!! (just fat)

“What do you think you are, for Chrissake, crazy or somethin’? Well you’re not! You’re not! You’re no crazier than the average asshole out walkin’ around on the streets and that’s it. ”

-Ken Kensey, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

Today I had my final visit with the psychiatrist, who shared the outcome of my psych testing that was required for pre-bariatric surgery. I had a feeling I would be OK, but with my history of depression and anxiety, and binge eating, I couldn’t be 100% confident. But….I passed! She cleared me for surgery!

She said the only area of concern was my anxiety, that I was close to the clinical levels but not quite. She asked me about how I handled stress, and cautioned that I need to make sure I handle it appropriately. Basically I took this as making sure that I am self aware…know when a situation may be too much to handle, and ask for help when needed. I think my biggest stressors can be work (manageable), and family. Especially since I have a kiddo with ADHD. (and I am his stepmom, so not always the easiest role to be in)

The test also showed that I am a people pleaser, and can make situations seem better than they really are. (She called this a “desired” or “desireability” trait….so this is the best way I can explain it) I agree, I have a tendency to NOT want to ask others for help, so on the outside, I make things appear in a better state then they really are on the inside. Yep, I hide the hurt sometimes, and stuff it.

I am so excited, nervous, and a smidge scared!! I have one more appt. with the nutritionist, and 1 with the exercise consultant and then we can submit to insurance for review, and if approved, we can schedule a surgery date. Eeeek!!

This is all becoming VERY real.

My relationship with food will never be the same after surgery.

And honestly, I’m feeling good about that.

338 questions…true or false?

Today I had my psych eval for pre-bariatric surgery. 

Ughhh…..

Me, a small room, with just a computer , and the 338 true or false statements that I had to answer, that will determine the fate of a yes or no, or possibly a maybe, to me being able to have the gastric sleeve surgery. 

How in the hell does a person come up with this test? 

Talk about weird questions…. 

“Does dirt, or being dirty, make me uncomfortable?”                                           

Ummm….yeah. I’m a girl. Ewww. Unless you mean a little “dirty” with the hubby? Yeah, I’m down with that…! ha ha!

Can I see myself working as a librarian?                                                                                

Yeah, I love books!! But I need people to talk about them with after I have read ’em

 Am I finding myself being truthful on this questionnaire? Duh.                                         

 (yes, that’s an actual question, I think they just stuck it in there a few times to make sure a person  isn’t just randomly clicking) 

When a man is interacting with a woman, is his mind always on sex? (yes, that’s one too) 

Of course not, unless its my husband, because he thinks I’m irresistible! 

 My eyes hurt and so did my head. 

I also had to talk to the therapist for about 45 minutes. She asked about my family history, including how I was raised (and disciplined!), my history of depression, and the stress in my life. 

The psych evaluation pre req’s are the part that make me the most nervous.  I’m afraid of this psychiatrist saying I should not have the surgery. Mainly because of the depression, that at one time in my life, I did have suicidal thoughts. Also because I do have a tendency to turn to food when stressed or emotional. 

But really, is this so bad? 

I mean, everyone has issues right? 

Guess I wanted to put it all out there, and  be 100% honest with myself. 

Gotta wait 2 weeks to find out if she will refer me for the surgery. 

Crossing fingers. 

Axel’s Broken & Wheels Draggin’….

If I got $5 every time I’ve fallen off the wagon, I’d be so damn rich.

I think my wagon is dragging.

Yeah, that’s it, I didn’t fall off-MY WAGON IS BROKEN!

YES!! THE AXEL IS BROKEN AND THE WHEELS ARE DRAGGIN’!!

(like the kids’ song remember?)

And it truly is…. SECOND VERSE, SAME AS THE FIRST. (only mine is like 182^nd verse, same as the first! Ha!)

YOU CAN’T RIDE IN MY RED WAGON…. THE AXEL’S BROKEN AND THE WHEELS ARE DRAGGIN’.

My wagon.

My wagon may be broken but damn it. I keep on going.

Today sucked.  My husband and I got into a fight on the phone this morning about the new doggo we got last night. It was a stupid fight really, paired with him yelling, me crying, over something dumb; both in the wrong.  We both apologized about mid-morning and worked thru it. But it didn’t help set a good precedence for the day.

All week, I’ve been struggling with people at work who are trying to do my job better than me, and have no business doing so. And then, it was annual review time.  I scored slightly lower than last year.

So today, I had a shit ton of diet cokes (I’m supposed to limit myself to 2 a day, I probably had 5), a medium skinny chai latte, and a triple chocolate cookie, that had chocolate frosting to die for.

Yeah. Axel Broken. Wheels and my ass totally draggin’.

Sigh.

I guess this is the part where I feel sorry for myself right? Why do I do this? Reward myself with the stuff I am trying to give up for good. Trying to wean myself off to be a healthier, happier, longer living me.

I don’t know. I think its because in that moment, I feel better with the big delicious cookie bites. The diet coke swigs. See…the cookie and diet coke items have been my BFF’s for a lifetime. They don’t push be back into a corner and bully me like the people at work, they don’t give me a low mark on my annual review, and they are just there for me…100%! And they let me escape and feel good.

But I know that’s not for long.

Because later they do show up.

On the scale.

On my ASS!

And in my head as I hang it in shame and sometimes admit defeat and start the circle of “DONE”.

Not this time though.

Starting with supper, I ate better, slower. Got a hug from the husband when I got home to listened to me vent about my day. My husband really is amazing…. he’s cooking different for me, he’s going to the nutrition appointments to help me with what I can and can’t eat. (and he’s eating like I have too!) HEY-HE’S ON MY BROKEN WAGON WITH ME!

So, all this junk with food and work stress and just life in general…. I got this.

My wagon may be broken, but I just gotta keep on trying to fix it. (and I got the hubby riding along too, so it can’t be all that bad.)

Keep on keeping on.